Because of my insane need to be reliable, I worked harder at my school work, but it felt like I wasnt getting anywhere. It constantly felt like I was running running running always all the time with no time to breathe. During one of my math classes, my teacher, normally an awesome guy, showed us a movie called A Beautiful Mind. If anyone has seen it and loves it, I'm sorry, but this movie, to this day, still. Scares. Me. Don't get me wrong, as the story went on I was totally engaged in it. If you've never seen it, it tells the story of John Nash, the famous mathmetician who suffered from schizophrenia. However, my teacher did not tell us about that part of the movie. And so, if i'm spoiling this for anyone I'm sorry. When you find out that his best friend, neice, and boss are all figments of his imagination, I literally left the room in tears. Something about it had touched me so deeply there were no words to describe.
My religous friend, the on I spoke about earlier became so fascinated in schizophrenia at this point, it became disgusting. She started reading books about it, researching cases online and jokingly diagnosing people we knew with it. What she didnt know though was that I thought I had. I had been researching it a little as well and found out that it usually struck girls in their late teens and it often started with a crippling anxiety.Could I be that crazy that the people I took comfort in were figments of my imagination? It honestly felt like the piece of my brain that rationalized, was gone. Whatever scared me, frightened me or put me on edge was automatically real. The cutting, the suicide, th schizophrenia, there was no way to convince myeslf I didnt have all of these things wrong with me. I suddenly had an intense fear of the people I loved not being real and to be honest, that was one of the worst ones, worse than the cutting and any other nagging fears I had felt. This one. This one was the bane of my existence and even to this day it haunts me. I will wake up in the middle of the night and for a few seconds feel absolute terror. Here was something I couldnt deal with. I had convinced myself the anxiety was from something i was doing, and if I figured it out, I could fix it. It had yet to occur to me that it might be me. Just me. Something wrong with me. If it was schizophrenia, that was somethin I couldnt fight and that scared me. I didnt tell the therapist. She did nothing for me. I'm sure it was my inability to open up to her like you're supposed to, but I couldnt bring myself to do it. Why should I let this stranger who had never known me until now judge my sanity?
As this all went around in my head, my friends and I were still growing more and more distant. I could go an entire lunch hour without speaking to anyone at my table and no one seemed to notice it. I mean i've always been quiet, and if I'm reading you'd better not disturb me, but something about this felt...wrong. Shouldnt the people I called my closest friends know that something was seriously wrong??? I began asking myself this question, a lot and getting answers I didnt want. I was tired of this. Tired of being ignored...but I didnt think I had the courage to stand up for myself, especially now, when I was feeling so tired and worn out.
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