Hi again! If anyone has ever experienced anything like this I'd love to hear from you. Please shoot me a message, I'd like to hear from someone who has dealt with this or is dealing with it now.
There's a movie with Sandra Bullock, called 28 Days in which her therapist tells a group of addicts this little piece of wisdom “Folks, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” I like this quote because it reminds me of that time in my life. I would get up, be afraid of myself and my anxiety, do the exact same thing I always did, went to school, came home, struggled with focusing on my homework and then, at one of my lowest points I couldnt be alone in the house. I would go with my mom to to work, and stay in the library next door until it was time for us to go home. Her boss was so nice about it after she gently tried to explain what was going on. I was aware that she had to start telling people about it, to explain my irrational and often erratic behavior, but I was still so embarassed with myself, that I couldnt bring myself to tell anyone besides my mom. I began getting more and more desperate, and even the therapist began to notice it. She then began talking to me about suicide. Why people do it, stuff like that.
I left the therapist's office a pale and shaking wreck that day, only to come home and tell my mom I was scared I was going to commit suicide. I was terrifed that I had thought about the possibility, but once an idea is in your head, put there by someone else, it's hard to get rid of. We were supposed to be visiting family members and I was supposed to be down in my room getting ready Instead, I found myself staring at my reflection in the mirror, wondering how I would 'off myself' as I called it. I couldnt even bear the thought of thinking suicide in my head so I had to use all these stupid code names. I am such a wuss, I knew I couldnt do anything that involved severe pain, so that took out a lot of my options. My mom's family, myself included, suffer from severe migraines, and frequent headaches, so we keep a lot of Tylenol in the house. I guess I could do that. My mom called me up from my room and I was dressed and ready, but once again, she knew there was something wrong. I promised her I would tell her after dinner and she agreed, making me promise to fess up. I nodded.
Well we both kept to our word, because I was slowly coming to terms that I felt a lot better once these things were out in the open instead of bottled up inside of me. I admitted to her that I'd thought about taking an overdose of Tylenol and she simply shook her head at me. Once again, she knew exactly what to say and her words were, I paraphrase 'Do you known thats the least likely way to kill yourself? Most times it doesnt work. You'd probably wake up in a pile of your own vomit. That'd be attractive.' She shocked me into laughing until I cried and I felt better. She always had a way of doing that. Was I on the verge of better? Not yet. It was certainly going to take me a long time to get there. I just wasnt prepared for how long, or how hard it was going to be.
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