Hello again! Sorry about the long delay, had a super busy week...Plus, last weeks entry was about a piece of anxiety I have yet to let go of and it threw me out of whack fo a few days. That's one of the things about anxiety, sometimes, you can be feeling A okay, tip top, and then suddenly it can come back in one felt swoop.
It was still impossible for me to be alone. I hated when my parents worked, and they both did often. I still would go with my mom to work and hang out at the library, but I was doing something I'd always done. I was ignoring. I was running from it. And I wasnt dealing with it, which was what needed to be done. I honestly didnt have the courage to face it. I was doing everything in my power to run from it, but I didnt realize I needed to meet it face on, that running was making me exhausted. I couldnt help it though I was afraid that if I faced it, I would find some terrible thing wrong with me. I had researched so many mental disorders at that point, i was afraid of even going to a doctor to talk about it. I asked my mom if she would let me get on medicine, but the therapist was adamant against it. She told me it was all in my head and I didnt need medicine, I just needed to come to terms with whatever was setting me off.
At this point, I felt certifiably insane. You could lock me up in Bedlam and I would agree with you that I needed to be there. Everything was falling apart, and I couldnt keep my grip on things. I was lying to my friends, telling them I was fine, nothing was wrong. My grades were balancing out but they were still the worst I'd ever had, teetering on Cs and I still was only sleeping for about a few hours every night, which was making me irritable and boarish, and I would repeat this day after day after day...
Finally my mom sat me down. I needed to stop the routine. I needed to break the shell and get free. I needed to hang out with my friends again and get out of the house. This was only the first step though, something I wasn't prepared for.
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